Hey sweet friend,
Let’s talk about the Dark Days. When you have pre-menstrual dystrophic disorder (PMDD), it feels like your life is basically run by your monthly cycle. And by your life I mean your mood, emotions, relationships, energy, social life, physical wellbeing, focus, and motivation. So basically, everything.
And once a month, after you’ve been through about half of your cycle, you hit the Dark Days (side note, when I say Dark Days I think about Luke Danes in Gilmore Girls when he disappears on November 3rd every year).
THE SWITCH
I’m sure that everyone’s experience is a little different, so I’ll talk about my own specifically. For me, it’s like someone flipped the Switch. The Switch controls how I feel about myself and my view of the world around me.
Everything gets darker, and smaller, and sadder. Like my peripheral vision that allows me to see the bigger picture is cut off. The Switch puts me right into a depressive tunnel vision where all I can see is how I’ve messed up, how my husband has messed up, how the world is messed up.
I think we all have those thoughts, especially if we deal with anxiety, depression, or perfectionism. Everybody has them. Thoughts about whether:
- we did well enough on a paper
- we’ve been a good parent in the last day or two
- our tummy and thighs have gotten a little more soft in the last couple weeks and we should really start doing better about what we eat
- we have real friends – do they actually want to spend time with us?
- our boyfriend/fiance/husband really loves us
Insecurity about who we are, what we’ve done, and where we’re going in life is so often just a realistic part of life, even for Christian women (maybe especially for Christian women when we feel like there’s a “standard for Christian women” that we should be living up to).
When the Switch is flipped, those thoughts are ALL I can think. It’s like I lost the ability to fight them off. I’m surrounded by the darkness of those thoughts. “I’m a failure, I’m pathetic, I can’t do enough, I’m not enough, I’m all alone, no one understands, there’s nothing really wrong with me except I can’t get myself together so I don’t have an excuse for being such a mess. I’m such a mess.”
As I’m writing this, I’m reminded of the dementors from the third Harry Potter book. I just finished a Harry Potter movie marathon with my husband, so this is fresh in my mind. Here’s how the dementors are described:
“They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them… Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you.”
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
And I always know it’s coming, but somehow, every month, it’s just as hard.
The good news – these feelings don’t last forever and they pass more quickly the more support I have around me. My husband is my true hero for always helping me fight them off. With the hormonal changes that happen with the monthly cycle, the Switch flips again and I can think like myself again.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
The reason I’m sharing this is because if you have your own Dark Days, I don’t want you to think you’re on your own. If you have Dark Days and you think that makes you a bad Christian, I get it. I’ve been there too.
For many years, I thought my emotions told me something about my salvation. I asked myself so many times, “how can a saved, born-again believer in Jesus Christ become a sobbing mess on the floor every few weeks and still be a real Christian?”
Let’s take a look at Psalm 139:7-12:
Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say ‘Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,’
Even the darkness is not dark to you;
The night is bright as the day,
For darkness is as light with you.
Here’s what I’ve learned from this passage:
You can be a Christian And experience darkness.
And it doesn’t make you a “bad Christian.” This Psalm was written by David, who was chosen by God himself to be King of Israel and is described as being “a man after God’s own heart” (1 Samuel 13:14). David must have experienced some serious emotional turmoil to write these words.
When we’re in the Dark Days – God’s Spirit is with us too.
These verses describe the Spirit being with us no matter where we go – to heaven, to hell (that’s Sheol), into the sea. We can’t get away from God. So even when we feel isolated and oh, so lonely during these times of sadness and doubting, God is still there. With God’s gift of faith in Jesus Christ as your savior, he also equips us with his Spirit (check out John 14:15-17). And if you have the Spirit, you are not alone.
God doesn’t give up.
Sometimes it feels like there’s nowhere to go but down – but that’s not the end of the story. The waves of darkness are truly overwhelming. In this Psalm, it sounds like David is feeling overwhelmed too. He says, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night.” I don’t know about you, but to me, it sounds like he is giving up and accepting the fact that he is totally surrounded. But his hope isn’t in his ability to get himself out of it or to think enough good thoughts that he overwhelms the bad ones. His focus is on GOD. To God, even the darkness isn’t dark. Isn’t that the coolest thing?! Nighttime is the same as daytime because God is so good, so holy, and so full of light. Does it get any better than that?
It doesn’t change how God sees you.
Having faith in Jesus doesn’t mean that you won’t have Dark Days, emotional trouble, insecurity, even depression. It does mean that you won’t be alone. It’s okay to acknowledge that you feel like you’re in darkness, but know that in God’s eyes you are still in the light. You don’t have to feel the emotions of guilt or shame because you’re struggling. Having these tough times doesn’t change the way God looks at you.
What encourages you on tough days? Let me know below.
