Hey sweet friend,
Let’s talk about identity. In our culture, “labels” are a big deal. Some labels are good, some are bad. We typically don’t like it when someone else labels us. But what about the labels we put on ourselves? What about the way that we define our identity?
She gets A’s on every paper, completes every assignment, and sees her identity as the “perfect student.” She’s reliable – she helps her classmates when they’re struggling, she knows her professors look to her to have the answer. But during senior year of college, her grandmother passes away. She leaves school for a couple of weeks to go home and spend time with her family, especially her mom. Even when she gets back, she can’t focus & her motivation has dropped. Suddenly things like homework don’t matter much at all. She’s struggling with the grief and wishing she could spend more time with her mom who’s grieving hard. Until she starts to lose a sense of who she is – not only is her grandmother gone, one of the steadiest parts of her life, but she’s starting to make B’s and even one C on assignments. She doesn’t have the right answer for every question in class and her professors have been telling her to take it easy. But she doesn’t want to take it easy, not REALLY, that’s not who she is. I mean, if she’s not the top student…who is she?
She’s a student athlete at college on a scholarship for playing soccer. She’s talented, she’s good at classes, she’s outgoing. But above all else – she’s a ball player. She’s been playing since she was ten and all her best memories revolve around soccer practice, soccer games, the amazing friendships she made with her teammates, and the things she learned from her coaches who were also her mentors. But at the beginning of sophomore year, she tears her ACL. She won’t be able to play while she’s injured, and she won’t be able to have surgery until Christmas break. Who knows when she’ll get back on the field? Her friends try to tell her “it will all work out” and “God has a plan,” but she’s confused. If she’s not at practice every day, hanging with her teammates, scoring points – who is she really?
She’s the fixer, the comforter, the helper. With four younger siblings, she’s always been the one to take care of everyone else. She started helping with babysitting when she was twelve, she was the one to bake all the delicious desserts for the holidays, she’s the one to pick up coffee for all her coworkers on a Monday morning. She’s responsible and sweet and she takes care of people. But lately, things feel different. She’s been feeling more and more stressed about the direction of her own life and she hasn’t been able to listen to her friends’ problems as much. She would usually help plan family get-togethers for the holidays, but she’s dreading going home and hearing the question “so are you seeing anyone?” or “you didn’t bring a boyfriend home this year? Well, let me tell you about my coworker…” She’s always wanted to be a wife and a mom – she wants to take care of people. But she’s not able to. She can’t find “the one.” She feels like her disappointment is a heavy backpack strapped to her shoulders that she can’t put down. She’s getting tired of listening to other people’s problems when she feels so sad, herself. But – if she’s not listening, helping, planning, then what is she doing? Who is she if she’s not helping others?
The loss of someone special in our lives, a crisis like illness or injury, a move, a job-change, even simply feeling like we’re not achieving our goals… all of these can lead to identity crisis.
Maybe you associate an identity crisis with insecure middle-school aged girls or men going through a mid-life crisis! But, an identity crisis can happen to any one of us.
My story:
When I was eighteen, my family moved from my hometown in Kentucky to Ohio. The year we moved was the same year that I went to college, so several people told me things like, “At least it doesn’t impact you that much – you’ll already be moving.” I know what they were saying, but it wasn’t really accurate. For me, moving out of Kentucky was a major change and it altered the way I saw myself. I didn’t have “my home” to go back home to for summer break and I couldn’t visit my childhood friends easily. I didn’t live in Kentucky anymore. I wasn’t Southern anymore. That same year, I lost my piano teacher, who had been a precious mentor to me for many years, and a few months later, my Grandmom.
Not only was I facing the new, exciting, intimidating environment of college, but I was facing grief, too. I felt like the ground had shifted under me.
After that year, I really struggled to find my true identity. The loss of my old home, my mentor, and my Grandmom left me feeling really unsteady. I questioned myself and I questioned the way that other people saw me. I probably asked, “Who am I?” more times that I honestly like to admit.
I have such a clear memory of taking the picture above because it was taken at the end of my sophomore year when my friends and I had a day out in Chicago. While I do remember that we had a good time that day, what I see when I look at that picture now is the cloud of anxiety, self-doubt, insecurity, and sadness that hovered over me that day. Even though I was smiling, even though the sun was shining, I could not have been more confused about who I was and where I was in my life.
After that semester, John 3:1 became my favorite Bible verse.
“See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Beloved, we are God’s children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is.”
John 3:1-2
Over the last few years, I’ve learned to value my identity as a child of God above everything else (although I have to practice this a lot!).
Just like the readers of John’s letters, Christians are called the children of God. In Baptism, God makes children and adults alike HIS children – we are called into his family. In Baptism, we are marked with the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
John tells us that we are called children of God. It’s a fact. But, the world may not know us – our identity might seem confusing. Like John says, “the world did not know him.” People did not realize who Jesus really was until he died. People won’t realize who we are either.
And we might not even realize who we are all the time. It’s not really clear to us now because we can’t see God now. We aren’t perfect and we’re still struggling with sin in this world.
But even while struggling, we are God’s children. If that is the core of your belief about yourself, the rest will fall into place.
Thinking of yourself as God’s daughter first and then mother, student, entrepreneur, girlfriend, sister, aunt, fiancé, or wife will help focus you on God. You’re in his hands and nothing can change your identity as his daughter.
Even when you feel like your outward identity is changing, the ground is shifting underneath you, you are God’s daughter and He does not change.
“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.”
James 1:17
When I see myself in pictures now, I know that my smile is genuine. I asked my husband to take this picture when we had stopped at a rest area while traveling to see family. The light in the sky made me happy. I’m not afraid to see a picture of myself in an oversized shirt, with no makeup on, after being in the car for three hours, because I feel secure in who I am – a daughter of the God who gives me everything I need.
Thank you for reading, sister.
What are the identity labels you give yourself? How can you think of yourself as daughter of God first?
