Why Me Mentality

Hey sweet friend,

As someone who lives with a chronic autoimmune disorder, chronic back pain, and frequent migraines, I often fallen into what I like to call the “why me mentality.” I can’t help but think of Joey Tribbiani in F.R.I.E.N.D.S. trying to figure out why God is letting him turn 30…I mean, they had a deal.

When my back is hurting badly and I’ve had a headache all day, sometimes there’s nothing more I would like to do than just lie on my bed and cry. It’s so easy to hit that point where all you can think of is how the pain has been wearing you down all day long.

Being in pain is isolating because… it’s invisible. Often, you have to act like you’re good, everything is fine. Most of the time you have to go on with your day like you don’t have a killer headache because you just… have to.

But, when the day is over and you can finally crash in the solitude of your own home, you might be asking “Why God? I mean, I’m trying to do all the things you ask of me? I’m doing my very best. I’m doing as much as _____________________ (fill in the blank – my classmates, my coworkers, the other kids’ moms, my siblings…).” It’s so easy to question why these things are happening to us specifically. I’ve found that these thoughts usually lead me to feel worse.

Trying to answer the question of why is not usually helpful. Focusing on the pain and cultivating such negative and bitter emotions around it actually it can cause us to doubt God’s intentions, to doubt the value of our prayers, even to doubt our own faith.

Richard C. Eyer, a Lutheran pastor who worked as a hospital chaplain for twenty years, wrote in his book Pastoral Care Under the Cross that “Ultimately, the appropriate question is not ‘Why is God doing this?’ but ‘Where is God in this?’ Where is God in my suffering?” 

The question of “Where do I see God in this situation?” is more helpful than “Why is this happening to me?”

1. It’s okay to ask God.

It’s okay to ask God where he is in the situation and where he is in your pain. God desires to be in community with you and for you to “cast all your anxiety on him” (1 Peter 5:7). It’s okay to cry out to him and to tell him how hard it’s been. He knows what you are going through. The best news is: He is strong when you just can’t be.

In 2 Corinthians, Paul says “a thorn was given me in the flesh.” While he doesn’t describe exactly what this means, he makes it very clear that this thorn was in his life in order to keep him from becoming proud and boasting in himself, not God. When he asked God repeatedly to remove this trial from him, God told him, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9). Paul goes on to say,

“For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calmities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

2 Corinthians 12:10

It’s okay to ask God where he is and it’s okay to ask him to be strong for you. Instead of asking God why you are dealing with pain or illness, ask God to show you the areas of your life where he is being strong while you can’t be.

Is God’s love present in the love of your boyfriend, fiance, or husband who takes care of you when you’re in pain? Is God’s love present in the graciousness of your manager who rearranges your schedule so you can take time off when you need to take care of your body? Is his love available to you in the love of your family members who send you encouraging messages, cook you meals, or provide a home for you? God uses the people in our lives to strengthen us and reveal his love to us.

2. Good things will come out of this.

Although finding the “silver lining” is a cliche statement, there is a lot of value to seeing the positives in any situation. While it can be hard to see when you’re in the midst of it, there are some positive things that come from chronic struggles, including humility, compassion, empathy, and growth. 

For me, one of the difficult parts of dealing with chronic pain and illness is the fact that I can’t do all the things I want to do. I want to do my job and do it well. I want to go to social events with friends. I want to be active in my community. But the fatigue that comes from my chronic health issues causes me to cancel plans with friends, ask off work, or not be able to attend a service event.

I feel like I want to do good in the world but my own issues are holding me back.

This is when I turn to one of my favorite Bible verses:

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

Romans 8:28

Even when I can’t understand why I’m going through what I am and why I’m being “held back,” I can trust that God will use what I am going through for good – for myself and for those around me.

In my life so far, I know that going through spinal surgery has made me more patient and longsuffering. Dealing with anxiety has helped me develop empathy and compassion. Being brought to my knees by depression has brought me humility.

I am comforted by the fact that these are the things that are visible to me now, but God is working in so many ways that I can’t see! His plan is good and he is using the events of our lives to accomplish something good – even if we don’t get to see it come to fruition now.

Even when you feel like you’re stopped in your tracks by pain or chronic illness, know that you are still growing. Like a rose bush – where there are thorns there are also beautiful flowers.

If you are going through chronic pain, depression, loss, grief and need to talk about God’s presence in your life, I highly suggest sharing your experiences with a trusted Christian friend, maybe a counselor or a pastor. Being able to vocalize the way that your illness affects you can help with the pain and guilt and help you to see God’s presence more clearly.

Send me a message if I can help!