Hey sweet friend,
You know the feeling. You’ve spent the last hour on your hair and makeup, you had your date outfit picked out since you woke up this morning, you even put on HEELS. You’re looking good, let’s admit it.
You’re excited for this date with your husband and looking forward to spending some quality time together.
Then you walk in the restaurant. Immediately you see a gorgeous woman sitting with a cute guy at the table on the left. This girl’s hair is perfectly straight and so shiny (what kind of magical shampoo does she use?) You gently push your own hair behind your ear and try to focus on where the hostess is leading you.
You’re seated at a table and you start perusing the menu. Yum, Italian. Your husband says something and you look up at him and smile – but your attention is stolen by the couple seated at the table behind him.
That guy is holding that girl’s hand. No wonder, she’s stunning. Her outfit is so trendy it looks like something you would look up on Pinterest: “Spring 2023 Women’s Fashion Inspo.” Everything about her is coordinated from her adorable curtain bangs down to her perfectly manicured hands.
You quickly hide your own hands in the cloth napkin on your lap. Looking at your fingers, it’s obvious that you bite your nails when you get nervous.
Then you realize your husband is looking at you with a small smile that suggests he’s about to laugh at you for something. He asks if you zoned out again. “Yeah, babe. Sorry I got distracted!” You smile and ask him what he’s going to order. While he debates on whether to get lasagna or fettuccine, you keep thinking about how perfect the other girls in the room look. You think maybe your cute date outfit is a little outdated and how you look like you’re trying too hard in your heels…
I bet you’ve heard it as many times as I have: “Comparison is the the thief of joy.” I know it’s true. I understand it AND I’ve experienced it.
And yet. Here I am. Feeling my own insecurity grow when I look around and compare my hair, makeup, skin tone, clothes, dirt on my shoes, jewelry choices, purse, lipstick shade, you name it, with all the women around me.
And even though we’ve all heard (and listened to on repeat… and sung in the shower…) “you don’t know you’re beautiful” – we always doubt that Harry Styles would really pick us over a Trendy Girl if given the choice.
If you’re like me, the little bug of insecurity has been following you around for a long time. Just when you think you’re pretty happy with where you’re at, you’re secure in your body image, you’re content with your style – the styles change or somebody shows up who makes you question it all again.
That little insecurity bug just flies around my head and buzzes in my ears all the little things I tell myself about my appearance: all they see is the acne, you have no sense of style, your hair is a wreck, you need to lose at LEAST five pounds, honey.
That first whisper of comparison grows louder until you’re convinced that you are unattractive, unlovable, and unworthy.
Unless you stop it.
Here are the things I have done (and still do) to avoid thoughts of comparison and to become more confident:
1. Get clear about your own values.

Defining your values in life is really helpful for several reasons. Knowing your values gives you direction in your career or when making big life decisions about a job, move, relationship, etc. Being able to see how you are following your values on a daily basis can help to fight off feelings of unworthiness. And, really knowing and embracing your own values helps to fight off insecurity when you end up comparing yourself to others.
With my own personal values in mind, I am able to take a step back from a situation in which I am comparing what I have to what someone else has and think, “I may not have the x, y, and z that this other woman has but that’s okay because having those things isn’t my goal in life – it’s not part of my set of values.”
My values are:
- Faith – God is number one.
- Connection – my husband, my family, my friends, my church, my coworkers, the world.
- Excellence – this is just a part of my Type A personality and I’ve learned to run with it (lol). My goal is to do excellent work so that I can serve others better.
- Growth – I will never be perfect at the first three values and I am constantly learning, so embracing growth has been vital for me.
2. Ground yourself in the present moment.

Grounding is another technique that is helpful in so many different circumstances when painful emotions, anxiety, or stress is coming up for you.
When I find that I’m becoming overwhelmed by comparison and feeling badly about myself, I use grounding to bring myself into the present moment and appreciate what I have in this moment, right now.
I use grounding by:
- Focusing on my senses. For example, touch is really important to me, so I will start by grabbing my husband’s hand and really feeling each of our fingers meet, focusing on the warmth of his hand. Usually this makes him smile, so then I focus on sight and watch his sweet smile form! I will take notice of any scents around me – if we’re at a restaurant, I focus on how amazing my meal smells. Or, I’ll take a couple bites of my food and really focus on chewing each bite and savoring the taste. If I’m walking through a store or I’m at an event, then I will focus on sound and take a moment to listen to whatever music is playing in the background. When you take a moment to appreciate your senses, it’s amazing how much you start to notice!
- Focusing on breathing. I will take three deep breaths and really notice the sensation of the air passing through my nose and filling my lungs. Sometimes box breathing is helpful: breathing in for three counts, holding the breath for three counts, breathing out for three counts, and holding for three counts (three is just the number that works for me – I’ve also heard advice to count to four).
3. Develop a mindset of gratitude.

When I start to get down on a given day and overwhelmed by anxious thoughts or insecurities, one of my favorite things to do is grab a hot drink (preferably a latte – yum), go for a walk, and just think about the things I am grateful for. I start small. “I’m grateful for my breath, yummy coffee, the money I have to buy coffee with, the colors of the leaves, the fact that I can walk around…”
I love to do this because when I have some time to myself, just focusing on what I’m grateful for, I will usually end up praying because I just need to communicate that gratitude with the one who’s given me all these things.
4. Don’t take yourself too seriously.

Usually when I start to get uptight and insecure, doing something totally goofy actually breaks me out of it because I will laugh, get others to laugh, and just enjoy the moment. Life is a lot more fun if you just let yourself be silly for a minute.
Studies have been done to show that play is just as important for adults as it is for kiddos! Check out this article – The Importance of Play for Adults: Tips for Being More Playful. Studies mentioned in this article show how letting loose and playing can: increase overall wellbeing, help you cope with stress, and even improve physical health. It’s okay to enjoy the gifts that God’s given you, let loose a little, and just laugh.
If there’s anything that helps me break out of the comparison mindset, it’s this.
I hope these ideas are helpful for you like they are for me! Let me know below if you want to talk more about any one of these methods for breaking out of the comparison mindset!