Acceptance

I thought that I would write a post titled How to Accept Your Chronic Illness. I picked out the headline, opened a WordPress doc, even sketched out the main steps: Denial, Relief, Grief, Planning, and Action. And then I stopped. I just didn’t fill in the outline and I never went back to it.

And last week, I realized why. I hadn’t really accepted my own chronic conditions.

(Have you accepted yours?)

I will say right away that I think there’s a fine line between accepting your weaknesses and identifying yourself by them. Our identities are rooted in Christ. But, your chronic pain, hormonal disruption, anxiety, depression, etc. is part of who you are and a theme in your story.

Living as Two People

I really want to share straight from my heart about this, and I hope that it is relatable for you.

For a long time, it’s as if I’ve tried to be two people – “strong Abby” and “weak Abby.” Or “perfect Abby” and “flawed Abby.” There’s a girl who is capable and successful, and there’s a girl who is exhausted after being awake for two hours and has to take a nap at 10 a.m. There’s a confident woman who is open and enjoys fellowship with others. And there’s the woman who leaves the common area after church as quickly as possible because of her social anxiety.

I’ve been telling myself that this person with anxiety, bad days, chronic back pain, isn’t who I really am. And so when symptoms got worse or I received a new diagnosis, I felt like I didn’t know what to do. I was angry that my fatigue was making it so I couldn’t do all the things I wanted to do. I felt annoyed that doctor appointments have made me miss classes. I was disappointed that migraines have made me back out of social events. (There’s more about these kinds of negative thoughts and reframing them in this post.)

So, I’ve spent a lot of time either fighting against or avoiding those “weak” parts of myself. I’ve wanted to change that theme of my story.

But lately things have been different. This idea of accepting my struggles has been brought up to me in several ways that I can’t ignore.

Finding Acceptance

I was recently diagnosed with a couple of conditions and a rare uterine abnormality.

This news was challenging for a lot of reasons, especially because of how it may impact my ability to have children in the future. But a huge challenge for me was the idea that there is something wrong with me – and I had no idea.

Words like —

  • abormality
  • rare
  • undeveloped

— they all suggest imperfection and weakness to my perfectionist brain.

I struggled, cried, and prayed. And I asked God, “Why would you allow me to be this way?”

And he said,

I formed your inward parts;

I knitted you together in your mother’s womb…

Your frame was not hidden from me,

when I was creating you in secret,

intricately weaving you in the depths of the earth.

My eyes saw your unformed substance;

in MY book are written, every one of them,

the days that have been formed for you,

when as yet there were none of them.

adapted from Psalm 139:13-16

God has written a story for me and for you – and it includes our weaknesses. A story wouldn’t be any good if it didn’t include a good conflict and climax, right?

I am choosing to live in a way that accepts that I am NOT perfect, but that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I know that none of the conditions I have are mine by accident, but that through them God is writing a more beautiful story than I can imagine.

And so, I can only respond by saying,

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;

my soul knows it very well.

Psalm 139:14 (direct quote)

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2 Responses

  1. Great article! Acceptance has been a theme I’ve been hearing a lot lately too. This is a great biblical perspective of it, thank you.

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