Fight Self-Defeating Thoughts with Clear Values

Hey sweet friend,

I mentioned in this post how I use connection to my values to avoid comparison and insecurity in public situations. Well, getting crystal clear about values is useful not just to fight off insecurity but anxiety and self-defeating thoughts as well.

First of all, what are values? Let’s break it down. The Cambridge Dictionary online defines values as:

“The beliefs people have, especially about what is right and wrong and what is most important in life, that control their behavior.”

Cambridge Dictrionary online

I like this definition because the second half highlights what I’m talking about with values – they are the things that we view as most important in life, and so they strongly influence our behavior.

Defining Your Values

I first started thinking about defining my own personal values while reading Embracing Uncomfortable: Facing Our Fears While Pursuing Our Purpose by Dr. Deborah E. Gorton, who is a clinical psychologist and Christian. Dr. Gorton details a process of defining your values.

She suggests starting by reflecting on core memories from your life, asking yourself what was so special about those moments. By doing this, you can see themes emerge that show you what is really important to you. (If you’re interested in reading Dr. Gorton’s full process, I do recommend her book!)

Here’s my short example of how this works…

Do most of your best memories involve your family? Maybe one of your personal values is connection.

Is your memory’s highlight reel full of moments from church youth group mission trips or when you volunteered at a local hospital? You might value service.

Is your proudest moment when you won the school spelling bee or your debate team won tournament? Maybe one of your values is knowledge or success.

What are your most special memories?

What do you view as most important in your life?

In 2021, when I first took time to define my personal values, I came up with these four:

  1. Faith – God is number one.
  2. Connection – my husband, my family, my friends, my church, my coworkers, the world.
  3. Excellence – this is just a part of my Type A personality and I’ve learned to run with it (lol). My goal is to do excellent work so that I can serve others better.
  4. Growth – I will never be perfect at the first three values and I am constantly learning, so embracing growth has been vital for me.

The beautiful thing is that these values become guideposts for your life. In big decisions and in day-to-day actions, checking in with your values is invaluable (see what I did there 😉 )

Values vs. Self-Defeating Thoughts

Self-defeating thoughts are those negative thoughts about yourself that bring you down. Those quick but awful criticisms that pop into your brain before you’re even really aware of it.

If you struggle with perfectionism, those self-defeating thoughts might sound like, “I’m not doing enough,” “I’m not worth it,” “I should be doing better,” or maybe, “I’ll never be enough.”

I like this explanation of self-defeating thoughts:

“Also known as mistaken or faulty beliefs, these views impact your self-esteem, the feelings you carry about your personal abilities, and your relationships with others.”

– Dr. Katharina Star, in this article

How can knowing your personal values help you fight self-defeating thoughts?

Here’s how it has worked for me.

As my day winds down, I start to get that anxious feeling. Those perfectionist thoughts start creeping in… Did I say the right thing in class? I know I didn’t do enough work on my paper… I didn’t socialize enough today, I can’t do anything right. I’m so tired… there’s no way I’ve done enough today.

Remembering my values helps me to reframe these thoughts.

  1. Faith – Remembering my faith reminds me that I am a redeemed child of God. Sure, maybe I did mess up today. (Maybe I didn’t do enough homework…) But I’m child of a God who works past, through, and in my shortcomings to demonstrate his love.
  2. Connection – I can challenge that thought “I didn’t socialize enough today.” Who defines what enough is? The important question is, have I authentically connected with those around me today?
  3. Excellence – Perfectionism tends to skip past the things that I have accomplished and move on to the next goal. Well, remembering this value of excellence helps me to slow down and appreciate where I have done a good job (and again remember that no one can define “enough” for me).
  4. Growth – Ah, my favorite value. This reminds me that the whole goal is to grow in my walk with God and as a person. Instead of asking, “Did I do enough?” I can ask, “How have I grown today? What have I learned today that I didn’t know yesterday?”

This is just an example of how my own personal values help me to think healthier thoughts and re-frame those negative thought patterns – this is good for your mental health and spiritual health.

Paul wrote,

“Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

– Philippians 4:8 (ESV)

Values Grow with You

Lately, I’ve noticed my work at seminary has been helping me re-evaluate. And that’s okay.

The values you come up with today do not have to stay the same for your whole life. As long as your values reflect what is most important to you and pleasing to God, feel free to adapt them as you experience more life and realize what is most significant in each season.

Here’s a rough draft of my updated values:

  1. Relationship to God – I realized my value of faith is really more specific than just that. What’s most important is my relationship to Jesus and how that affects my life.
  2. Family – My family members including my immediate family, husband, and in-laws.
  3. Service – I want to serve others in a way that is wholehearted and shares the love of Christ.
  4. Faithfulness – In some ways, this value is taking the place of my old value of excellence. I’ve found that what is really significant is being diligent in doing my best in my given circumstances rather than reaching some standard of excellence.
  5. Growth – Can’t get rid of this gem! I am constantly learning and growing.

Let me know what you think or if you have any questions about developing your personal values!

What is most important to you?

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2 Responses

    1. Yes! I really found it useful – I actually listened to it on Audible when I took walks and that was a neat way to take in her advice. 🙂

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